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Michael Alexander Stories

Getting Started In The Lifestyle

By: Breanne EricksonBreanne

I’ve gotten a number of emails from GUYS looking for advice on how to get started in the BDSM lifestyle and more importantly, how to find someone like me.  I wish there was more of me to go around, but don’t worry – there are other nympho humiliation pain sluts out there.  You just need to go and look!

First of all, you need to understand that there are two catagories of Dominant/submissive relationships: online and real life.  You have to decide which one fits you right now.  I'll tell you honestly that most people start off O/L and move toward R/L.  That's because in reality most people want to be touched - even if it’s being spanked!

The next thing you need to know about is that there is a difference between looking for a submissive - which is a person who submits by choice and still HAS some choices, and a slave, who has relinquished the right to say no, even through roundabout means.  In a submissive relationship, it is actually the submissive that has the power and control. She can ALWAYS say no.  Unless she's gagged! LOL, but if you do something to her she doesn't like, she can and will walk.

Finding a submissive partner can be just like finding ANY kind of friend or romantic interest.  Of course there are places to look, and we'll get into that in a moment, but the smartest thing you can do is to start with the product.  You.  Just like finding a girl to date, you have to be up to snuff.

There are many more dominant men out there than there are submissive women.  That means that men have to be very smart about putting quality goods on the shelf.  Women are attracted to that. 

The first thing to do is to decide what aspects of the D/s lifestyle appeal to you.  What kind of things turn you on?  Are you a suave, sophisticated man who wants to tie your girl to the bed and torment her with clamps and whips and a variety of dildos until she's almost ready to cum - then stop?  Or are you the kind of guy who wants to dress her like a nympho humiliation pain slut, drag her into a bar, call her dirty names, and then publicly spank her before letting one or two of your friends fuck her up the ass.

Wow.  Sorry... I was being graphic there.  Last night I spent two hours in the splits, tied to a couch, while Julie used a sap on certain parts.  I’m still a little out of sorts.

So once you've got your list of interests, you have to market yourself.  Remember, even sex sluts prefer guys who are financially well off, responsible with the other aspects of their lives, are clean, neat, and compassionate (yes even in a Dom).  We look for guys who have already gotten it all together, because if your personal and professional life is a rollercoaster, then that creates instability in your sexual life.  For a submissive and especially a slave, that's a dangerous thing.

So now you've got your product.  The packaging is spiffy.  The labeling is done.  You know what demographic you are marketing too.  What next?

You have to turn to the world of computers, and this is where it's going to suck for a little while.  The best place to get started is facebook and a few forums.  Like applying for a job, you're going to get at least ten or fifteen bogus hits or fakes as real people, but you have to be sociable.  Talk with people.  Ask questions about their likes and dislikes.  Make sure they know you are seeking a partner R/L or O/L, but don't push.  On the forums, try to make friends with the regulars, especially ones in the same country as you.  BDSM is still a mostly underground lifestyle, and rather than meeting at bars or clubs, is one of those things you find in people's living rooms. You need to get invited.  Offer to fund the catering... or bring the drinks... or serve as bartender.  Something.

When you are either contacted by an appropriate person, or are lucky enough to encounter her, start things off slow by exploring what they are looking for.  If it's O/L always try to do a non-perverted web cam session.  Fakes never want to show you a photo and they will NEVER do a cam session.  Tineye.com check any photos you get too.  Trust me...  I’ve seen guys burned that way.

For R/L liaisons set up a first date – either a non-sexual one (preferred) or one with only the lightest sexual demands – certainly nothing involving the two of you together.   If she aggressively wants you to meet her sexual needs on the first date (like so many erotic stories seem to indicate,) that you can bet that even if you DO fulfill her idea of a dream guy, it won’t be long before you won’t and she’ll move on. 

When you first meet a prospective submissive or slave, ask about HER needs and wants, her limits, and what she is looking for out of the relationship.  Remember, most D/s relationships in R/L are almost full time.  If she has a bad habit of buying too many shoes, and will expect you to provide money for it, (not to mention storage space), then you need to take that into consideration.  Women can have just as strange oddities as men do.  Find out if your needs can be fulfilled with her, even as her needs are being met.  For example, I'm one of those girls who would want to be in a situation where I'm required to be naked most of the time, publicly punished and humiliated, spanked, whipped, and forced to keep a sex toy up inside me at all times.  I need it very very rough.  But finding a guy who can keep that up at all times is not that easy.  You end up falling in love.  Out of the three R/L relationships I've had, none of them have lasted and one guy who I actually considered marrying couldn't stay in the Master mode longer than an hour or two.  Didn't work.

Of course he also thought I was sick.  Sexually.  Guys want a slut, but in the bedroom.  Not publicly.  Supposedly.

Limits are also an important issue. In fact, it probably is one of the MOST important things to consider. While slaves don’t have the right to set “limits” per se, even slaves have likes and dislikes.  Submissives have even more control over what is done to them because a submissive can always say no.  So ask and be aware of your partner’s limits.  If she says no dog sex, that means NO DOG SEX.  Don’t tie her up and bring in the Boxer to push her.  It will just piss her off and mean you’ll be doing this whole thing again.

After she tells you what she’s looking for in the relationship, tell her what YOU are looking for!  Be specific.  It’s better to have her give you that look of “seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me!” now than half-way through your first session and have her storming off.  Like any relationship, honesty is very very important.  If you just happen to love anal sex, trust me… it’s better off telling her up front you plan on sticking your dick up her bottom!

The truth is that D/s relationships are generally passionate, wild, and just a little intense.  I’ve known a lot of couples that broke it off for a variety of reasons, from displeasure with either the sub or master, broken limits, lack of intimacy (I know… sounds strange), and even boredom.  Like any relationship, especially with a woman, you have to put something into it to get something out of it.  Make sure your submissive or slave knows you love her and cherish her, as well as the fact you want to whip her and screw her brains out.  Keep looking for news ways to invigorate your sexual activities – read erotica (mine or Michael’s will certainly work!), role play, get costumes, try massages, just keep things spicy and entertaining.  It will work out.

So there you have it.  Breanne's D/s relationship primer.  How to get started!  How to keep it going!  Join Fetlife.  Join Facebook.  Browse.  Find friends.  Chit chat.  Get invited.  Meet people.  And she will cross your path.  Then all you have to do is reach out...

and collar her!

Michael Alexander Stories